Love in the real world…

A lot had been going on in life and it has been ages since I even wrote anything. I have finally come out of my writer’s block and I decided to write on something that is so obvious yet something that everyone struggles with. So this blog will focus on relationships and what makes it last.

Again, I am no relationship expert so I asked all the couples in my life what a relationship actually is. They have all stood strong against all odds and the tides of time and who better than them to explain what a relationship actually is?

I will not be revealing the names of the couples in order to protect their identity but will give the timeline for how long they have been together. So the question that was asked to every couple was ‘What is love and what is a relationship?

Couple number 1: Been together for 11 years

“According to us, love is being able to be yourself to that person. It’s about being able to do things together while also respecting each other’s personal spaces and each other as well. It’s about being able to have deep conversations while also being weird and goofy with each other. Many people mistake love for whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears and having butterflies in their stomachs. But that’s not love, well at least that is not mature love. A mature love and relationship focuses more on the emotional aspect of things than the physical aspect. It’s about motivating and empowering each other. Overall, love is being able to feel at home with that person. Knowing that you are safe with them. That according to us is love and a stable relationship.”

Couple number 2: Been together for 10 years

“Love is friendship. It may sound out of the blue but it is. A love with a strong foundation of friendship lasts forever. Love is being able to be yourself with that person no matter what. It’s about being able to talk about anything and everything. It’s about being able to come home to that person and talk to them about your day, whether it was good or bad. They are one of the few people you want to tell things to. It’s about being mature but at the same time being able to annoy each other and laugh at it. It’s about being secure in your relationship. It’s about giving in and allowing time for the other person to give in. Teenage love is when you would focus only on the physical aspects of things but a mature love is completely different. It is peaceful and stable. It does not get jealous. Many people mistake lust for love but they are completely different things. Once you connect with the person emotionally, the physical aspect automatically follows. so to sum it up, love according to us is having a deep emotional connection with the other person while also being stable and secure enough to trust the other person.”

Couple number 3: Been together for 5 years

“Love is something that can’t be defined in a few words. To quote a snippet from the Bible, ‘Love is patient, love is kind; it is not arrogant or rude’. It is about dealing with difficulties together. It is about making an effort for the other person. It’s about trying to understand what is holding that person back and helping them get over it. It’s about understanding each other in ways that no one understands you. For example, when one of us is upset, the other one would immediately understand it and ask what’s going on. It’s about picking up the simple cues of the other person. It’s about accepting responsibility. It’s about being together not only through the good times but also through the bad times. This is love..”

Couple number 4: Been together for 2 years

“Love is when you drop everything you are doing to be with that person. It’s about knowing when the person needs you and being there for them. Love is a two-way street, meaning the effort has to be from both the people involved. Love is when you come home from a day of work all tired and your wife hands you a cup of coffee and asks if you are tired and goes on to massage your legs. It’s about understanding. Love is more an emotional connection than a physical connection. If you had asked me this same question three or four years back, my answer would have been completely different and along the lines of physical aspects. But as I grew older, I realised that none of my previous relationships worked and it was because I was focused more on the physical aspects of things. Again don’t get me wrong, the physical aspect is essential. Romance is essential. But it is not the only thing. The emotional aspect is more important. Once you establish the emotional connection, there is no going back and the romance and sweet nothings automatically follow.”

Hearing them speak all this really was an amazing experience. It made me think about different perspectives on what love and relationships actually are. To sum it all up, based on what these couples say I can understand that love is a strong emotional bond that learns to value, accept, motivate and empower each other while at the same time being secure and content with each other.

Have courage and be kind…

Writing has always been my source of calmness and zen as it helps me focus on what actually matters the most. During one such time when I wanted to cut myself off from the world and destress myself, I wrote this piece. I have been wanting to publish this for quite some time but decided to prioritise my other blogs.

Back in 2019, I was going through a tough time and I had this key chain custom-made as I needed something to remind me that it was all going to be okay. This quote is from the 2015 movie ‘Cinderella’ and ever since I heard it in the movie, the deepness of it just resonated with me. This quote is so simple yet so complex in the meaning it tries to convey with just a few words.

Fast forward four years and it still continues to serve as a reminder when times get tough and gives a message of hope. Being kind requires courage, especially in situations when it is not easy to choose it. This quote combines strength and vulnerability and shows that the two can exist harmoniously.

Genuine kindness is rare, it is raw and it requires courage to give it. With a lot going on in the world, remembering this will help you out. No matter what happens and whatever curveball life throws at you, just remember to have courage and be kind. I hope this serves as a reminder for you as well!! ❤️✨

New love…

A reel that I saw on Instagram inspired me to write this piece. I have attached the link to that reel below.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CqfysVrNLmG/

Just as this says, your first healthy relationship will be challenging. It will be marred by the trauma that you underwent in your previous relationship. It would be a challenge learning to accept the new and actual normal of mutual respect and understanding.

Another thing that no one talks about is the period in between that. The toxic relationship drains you so much to an extent that you lose faith in love and relationships. It makes you question yourself and your ability to have a meaningful relationship. You are thrown into a whole new world after you decide to cut ties with the person or the other way around. `You are alone, you are drained and you have no idea what to expect in the future. You are afraid to even consider the possibility of happiness in the future.

Trust me when I say that all this is normal. It would take some time to heal and learn to accept that you deserve more. Each person has their own way of healing and the time period taken by them would be different but the healing eventually happens and you would be ready for a love that is healing and deep. No relationship is meant to drain you. In fact, it should be the opposite. A relationship is meant to nurture you and allow you to grow.

The first step towards achieving that journey, at least from what I have seen around, is to accept the fact that you deserve better. If you don’t think that for yourself, no one would. So after you are done grieving, accept the fact that you deserve better and try to open up your mind to new possibilities.

After you have healed and accepted the fact, you might end up finding someone who values and respects you. But again, even that would be a challenge as you are not used to this and you might find ways to sabotage it. You would feel insecure as you are not used to this and would always end up thinking of the worst-case scenarios. Just understand that this is normal and slowly learn to accept that and enjoy the peace and love it brings forth.

One thing that can be inferred from all this is to have faith and never lose hope. Quoting from Shawshank Redemption, “Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things and no good thing ever dies. “Where there is life, there is hope and that is something that everyone needs to hold on to for the better or the worse.

Modern love…

Amazon Prime recently released Modern Love: Chennai on its OTT platform and I had been binge-watching it which prompted me to write this blog. Chennai, being my hometown was another factor that made me write on this though I have been meaning to write on this topic for quite some time. Modern Love is inspired by personal real-life essays from the New York Times column Modern Love. The initial season was based in New York and then later on inspired the same concept of different cities in India with the latest being the one of Chennai.

It is an extremely heartwarming series that explores the different kinds of love out there. From a doorman being a woman’s confidant to finding lost love, this series has it all. After seeing the five seasons of all the demographics over the years, it just got me thinking as to what is Modern Love. So what is Modern Love? Each individual would have their own perspective on it but this is my take on Modern love.

Modern love is a concept that exists in today’s day and age but it can mean different things to different people depending on their situations. It is called Modern because the idea of love and the way it is expressed has changed over time. I really wanted to know what the take on Modern love was in today’s society and hence asked people from various walks of life to share their thoughts on the same.

Jaya, an experienced project manager currently doing her Masters in Cork quotes as follows.

“Modern love is love that exists in its many forms…straight love, bi-love, platonic love, love for inanimate things, self-love and their acceptance in any form shouldn’t be scrutinized under any lens even by oneself in bouts of uncertainty.”

Charu, an experienced business development manager currently doing her Masters in Cork quotes as follows.

“Modern love for me is something that doesn’t define my existence but helps me to glorify it even more.
I do not depend on his love to give me happiness, but his presence makes my happy days, even more, happier and the low days slightly less upsetting. It is a love that makes me stronger. Everyone today is very ambitious, focused and driven. It is a love that makes my belief stronger and helps me to manifest bigger and better not just for me but also for everyone I care about. It is this love that makes me a better person and accepts me with all the flaws that make me what I am.
It is a love that doesn’t question my perceptiveness and gives me space to explore whatever realms I want to be in. He wants me to be his partner for life and not just a mother to his kids or a wife for himself for that matter.
He knows I cook perfectly well but he also knows when and why I would need my sip of coffee or a freshly squeezed orange juice. It is a love that respects my individualism and loves to grow with me. It is a love that knows I am emotionally vulnerable and how the nuances of society can mess with my brain, but nevertheless, it is the deep breath that I take at the start of each new day and at the end of each night.
It is a love that knows that I value commitments irrespective of various opinions, and that’s what keeps us together.”

Adhitya, a software engineer based in Canada quotes as follows.

“Modern love is not anymore about hormones making one feel a certain way about another but rather a perspective that one pushes on oneself about another person. To most teens today, love is all about what they see everywhere in films and series. If they do not feel that way from head to toe or if the other person is not perfect, it’s not love to them. Modern love is no more about just being there, sharing your joy and providing a shoulder to cry on.”

Dipika, a software engineer based in the USA quotes as follows.

“Modern love is both heartfelt and a choice to stick with your partner through all the ups and downs. But I also feel that love has always been the same but just the way it is shown has changed. “

Patricia, a linguistics student based in Cork quotes as follows.

“To me, I guess modern love is overwhelming freedom without guidance because we’re all lost about what love actually is.”

All the above thoughts and opinions are possible because of Modern Love. According to me, Modern love is a love that breaks rules, questions stereotypes, challenges the norms and gives the freedom to choose. It gives you the courage to explore love beyond the said rules and expand your horizons to fit in whatever love you feel is suitable for you. It embraces all your perfect imperfections no matter the situation.

So, what’s your take on Modern Love?

Unapolegtically you!!

It’s that time of the year when exams are finally over and summer is here!!! Summer is beautiful, isn’t it? People usually say that Spring is the season of hope but Summer is the season that tells people that affirms people that their hope didn’t go in vain. It culminates into something beautiful, allowing people to dream of something good.

It was that kind of a day when I decided to go for a walk on the Banks of the Lee Walkway in Cork City. Me saying it was beautiful would be a dire understatement. It was something ethereal. There is something about walking in nature and greenery, is it not? It makes you feel closer to the universe and rejuvenates you. All the burdens that had stacked up itself over time finally left me and made me feel light.

All this combined with the blue skies and clear water just made even more sense. And what’s not to love with the little dogs running around and enjoying their day as well?

So yeah, coming back to the point. After my walk, I decided to watch a movie because why not? No idea why, but I felt like watching some old classic. I was listening to the song ‘Don’t you forget about me’ by Simple Minds and my mind immediately went to the movie ‘The Breakfast Club’. I have always loved this movie and will continue loving it. It is such a short movie but the depth it conveys is beyond its running time.

The movie showcases five students from different cliques in high school who have to spend eight hours of detention together on a Saturday morning. The conversations that they have conveys so much that make you rethink your perspective on life. I guess the walks on the banks just made me think more. A few things that it conveys are to not give a damn about what other people think and to be unapologetically yourself.

And that is exactly what every one of us needs to do. To be unapologetically yourself!! If you love someone, tell them. If you want to ask someone out, ask them!! If you feel like there is an issue or a gap between your friends, address it!! If you think you did something wrong, apologise!! I mean, it’s not so hard, is it?

Life is short and relationships are profound. Every relationship whether it may be between siblings, friends or a couple is unique and each one requires its own efforts. It takes courage to stand up for each of them and put in all your heart and soul. Yes, it takes courage to let down all your walls and show your vulnerable self to others and for that, you always have to be proud and never ashamed no matter where things would end. Because you were true to yourself and that’s all that matters.

Just remember, you never have to be sorry or feel embarrassed just because you were unapologetically you!!

One day at a time…

Trust me when I tell you that adulting isn’t easy. You have to deal with stuff that you never thought you would have to one day and you got to do it all on your own. And to add to that, being in a foreign land is definitely not easy with the addition of losing the sense of familiarity.

I was having a pretty bad week with the loss of my grandfather. This was really bad as I am staying away from my family now and I couldn’t be there for them and for the last rites of my grandfather. To top that, I had an exam on the very day I got the news from my home. Trust the universe and its timing right!!!

Given that I had my exams (currently doing my Masters), I just locked up my grief and was all over the place because of that. Once I had my exam done and dusted, I thought that it was time to grieve him. After I completed my part-time job today at the university and was heading home, I decided to take an impromptu trip to Saint Fin Barre’s Cathedral. As I was walking with River Lee by my side, I knew that I was right in taking the detour.

The moment I laid eyes on the majestic cathedral, I felt all my worries wash away. It was mesmerizing and cathartic. As I slowly walked in taking in the majesticness, I entered the church. At the very moment, I was inside the cathedral, I felt at peace. I took a slow tour and soaked in the tranquillity. I also spoke to the tour guide about the history of the church and learnt quite a bit about it.

As time passed by, the tour guide and I ended up talking and he was one of the sweetest people I have come across. We spoke about our life journeys and I ended up sharing the fact about my loss. He asked me if I would like to light a candle in memory of my grandfather and I did end up doing it. I felt at peace and felt my burden lightening a bit. He also went on to tell me that I had an aura of peace in me and that compliment really made my day. He then went on to give me a goodie from the gift shop. We ended up sharing our contacts and promised to stay in touch.

The candle I lit in memory of my grandfather

As I was walking back home all happy, I ended up meeting this cute little munchkin Simba who again made my day with his love.

Sometimes all you need during a bad time is love and kindness. A complete stranger came out of nowhere and actually made my day by just being kind. A dog made me happy just by showing love without judgements. It does not hurt to be kind and it costs nothing. This is a reminder to be kind, spread love and take it one day at a time. I guess you got to trust the universe and its timing after all.